Church: Reformed Baptist Church of Franconia | Text: Proverbs 18 | Date: August 16, 2020 | Speaker: Fred Zaspel

Proverbs on Friendship

Proverbs chapter 18. Today our study is on the subject of friendship. Proverbs on friendship. We’ll read, to begin with, Proverbs 18:24. “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Let’s bow for prayer. Our Father, we have sung from our hearts that we have nothing, nothing to profess, nothing to claim, nothing to plead before you but Jesus. But how our hearts leap to be able to say and sing with confidence that Jesus has paid the entire debt himself, that all that we need before you, he has done. We’re grateful for him. We’re grateful for your grace in sending him. And we come to you in his name, asking that you will bless our time in your word. We ask that you would send your Spirit to minister your word to our hearts, shape us by it, give us through it a greater appreciation for him and for your great love for us through him. In his name we ask, amen.

Proverbs on friendship. J.C. Ryle, who I think many of you are familiar with, made a famous statement about friendship that I thought would be good to begin with for this study this morning. He wrote, “The world is full of sorrow because it is full of sin. It is a dark place. It is a lonely place. It is a disappointing place. The brightest sunbeam in it is a friend. Friendship halves our troubles and doubles our joys.”

Well, in fact, the book of Proverbs has much to say about friendship. In fact, I suspect that you have not heard too many sermons on friendship. In a way, it seems a bit odd to have a Sunday morning sermon on the subject of friendship. But it’s difficult to spend much time at all in the book of Proverbs, as we have done, without at some point coming to this topic of friendship because Proverbs has so very much to say about it. In fact, one man wrote, “There is no book, even in the classical literature, which so exalts the idea of friendship and is so anxious to have it truly valued and carefully kept as the book of Proverbs.” He went on to say the book of Proverbs might almost be called a treatise on friendship.

I thought that was a perceptive remark. So much of what we have seen already in the study of Proverbs, although on the one hand relates to God and our responsibility to live wisely under Him, in almost every case, being wisdom literature as it is, relates to our relationships with one another. We’ve talked about Proverbs on talking and how we should speak and how we should speak with one another. We’ve seen proverbs on justice and truth and integrity. We’ve seen proverbs on keeping your temper. In all of these subjects, it has to do with our relationships with one another. And all of those, in some way or other, tie to this idea of friendship. And in fact, specifically, the terminology of friendship crops up very often in the book of Proverbs. And so we’re going to spend some time this morning to look at that, to see what it would have to teach us. What is it to live wisely with regard to this topic of friendship?

Proverbs 18:24: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Again, we have what’s often called a synthetic or a complementary parallel in these two lines, where the second line adds something to the first line, expands on the thought in some way, and it does it here by contrasting two different kinds of friends. “A man of many companions may come to ruin.” Well, there’s an odd statement. You would think that a man of many companions would never come to ruin. But a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

And the point there is to say, obviously, there are friends, and there are friends. So we might paraphrase this and say, a man of many Facebook friends may come to ruin, but a true friend sticks closer than a brother. So we may have many friends whose company we enjoy. We like to be with them. But still, having all of those friends, we might still come to ruin because in the day when we need them, well, we find out they really weren’t that great of friends. And so he gives us a contrast here. A man of many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. There are friends, and there are friends. I remember my dad told me, I was just a young man, and he told me, “You’ll find that there are few people in this world, at the end of life, you’ll find there are few people who have really been friends.”

Faithful, Constant, Reliable

Well, chapter 18, verse 24 here is about that true friend. And there are a couple of ideas involved in that. One is he’s a close friend, as we might say, a soulmate. But that’s not the leading idea in Proverbs on friendship. More so, it has to do with he’s the one who is faithful. He’s the one who’s reliable. Yes, he’s a soulmate, he’s a close friend in that sense. But the point here is that he’s faithful and he’s always reliable. A real friend is one who sticks with you through thick and thin, one that you can trust. And those kinds of friends are few, but they are the kinds of friends that can be counted on. And he’s the kind of friend that sticks closer than a brother. That, then, is the true cherished kind of friendship that we want. And then, on the other hand, we want to be for our friends.

As we’ve done before, let’s look at some other verses on friendship. Look at chapter 25, verse 19. Proverbs 25, verse 19: “Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips.” For those of you who have the NIV, “Like a broken tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in time of trouble”; or if any of you have the King James Version, “Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth and a foot out of joint.”

Now we have here what we’ve called the comparative or emblematic Proverbs. The parallels involved have a comparison. This is like that, and it holds up some emblem that you’re familiar with to compare it with something else to make the point. And so we have a bad tooth on the one hand and a lame foot. And then on the other hand, we have the person who fails you or, worse, turns on you when you need him.

Most of us, I think, can relate to that emblematic side of this—the broken tooth and the bad foot, the lame foot. You’ll notice one of the reasons I read the different translations here is they are translated differently. On the one hand, we have the ESV, which I use, and we have “the bad tooth,” and the NIV reads “a broken tooth.” Well, you get the idea. Actually, the Hebrew word here can be translated either way, and a bad tooth may well be bad because it’s broken, and that just might be the idea here. So there’s room for either translation. And then “the foot that slips” in the ESV version is, in the NIV, “a lame foot.” The ESV, “a foot that slips,” or in the NIV, “a lame foot,” or in the King James, “a foot out of joint.” Well, the verb here in the Hebrew actually means to slip or to waver, but it may slip or waver because it’s out of joint or because it’s lame, and so the other versions are giving us that translation of it.

But the point of it is pretty simple and pretty obvious. Eating and walking, these are basic functions of life, and it’s difficult to do with a broken tooth or a broken foot. And I think many of us can also relate to the comparison then in this verse, and that is of this so-called friend, someone you depend on in a time of trouble, and he fails you. He wasn’t there for you when you needed him, or worse, he turns on you. And that, he says, is like a broken tooth or a foot out of joint. It’s a particular kind of pain.

So he’s highlighting for us not just the uselessness of an unfaithful friend, but he’s highlighting for us the increased pain that is caused by an unfaithful friend. A broken tooth and a lame foot are not only useless; they’re a cause of pain. And that’s the idea then with an untrustworthy friend. A friend who fails you in a time of need is not only a useless friend; he’s a kind of friend that brings a particular kind of pain. And the hard reality is many people turn out to be friends in name only. They’re there for you when you have something for them, but when you need them, they somehow don’t step up. Or worse, like Job’s friends, they turn on you.

Now I mentioned that sometimes you have friends that are always there if you have something for them, and actually the Proverbs has a lot to say about that as well. If you’d like to look at them, I’ll just read them quickly. Chapter 14, verse 20: “The poor is disliked even by his neighbor, but the rich has many friends.” You know, you build a swimming pool in your backyard and suddenly you got a lot of friends. That’s the idea here. So long as you have something for them, they’re great friends. Or chapter 19, verse 4: “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend.” You got something for me? I’m there. You need me? I may not be. Again, chapter 19, verses 6 and 7: “Many seek the favor of a generous man, and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts. Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friends.” He has nothing to offer.

So when you have something of benefit, oh yeah, you can have lots of people around that claim to be your friends, but when you need them, that’s another story. And if they’re not there for you when you need them, then that’s the painful thing that the Proverbs speaks of. And so, the lesson then in all of this so far is to say: never let a friend down. Be a friend. Be a trusted friend, one that can be counted on. A friend who’s constant and a friend who’s faithful.

We can look at another, chapter 17, verse 17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Brothers are rather notorious for picking on their sisters, particularly if it’s a big brother and a little sister. My wife has an older brother, and there was some of that kind of competition. And she says that when they were young, she used to quote this verse at her brother. “A brother is born for adversity. You’re living up to that, Craig.” And I’m sorry, honey, that’s not what this verse is about. “A friend loves at all time and a brother is born for adversity.” He’s speaking here of the value and the very purpose of a true friend. True friends are those that you can rely on even in times of adversity. That’s a true friend. It’s like a brother in the ideal sense.

Chapter 27, verse 10. Proverbs 27:10: “Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend. And do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.” So, the first part of verse 10 talks about being a good friend. Do not forsake your friend or your father’s friends. He gives special mention to your father’s friend. Here’s a trusted friend; it’s two generations proven. So he’s saying, be a good friend. Don’t forsake your friend or your father’s friend. The second part of verse 10 then speaks of the brother. And I think the idea is there of a relative of any relation. Don’t go to your brother’s house in the day of calamity. Why wouldn’t I? Well, he explains what he means in the last part of the verse. And that is: better is a neighbor who’s near than a brother who’s far away. But again, the idea is that of having a friend that you can rely on, someone who’s dependable. And in that sense, a friend is better than a brother who’s far away. Again, the ideas of the value of friendship. So the first characteristic of a friend is that he is to be faithful, constant, reliable.

He’s To Be A Good Influence

Second characteristic of a friend in Proverbs: he’s to be a good influence. Look back at chapter 13 and verse 20. Proverbs 13:20: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise. But the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Now here we have the antithetical parallel, the two lines contrasting in some way, making the similar point but from contrasting or opposing standpoints. We have the wise and we have the fool. You have a wise friend or a foolish friend. “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise. The companion of fools will suffer harm.”

So the contrast is that of the contrasting influence of the various kinds of friends. Some friends have such an influence that they help you. They improve you. You become wise. They’re a good influence. Others, well, they’re fools. They behave foolishly, and that rubs off on you too. And so he says, “The companion of fools will suffer harm.” That is, you’ll end up acting like a fool yourself, and you’ll end up regretting it. So those people we hang out with tend to rub off on us, and so he says, be careful the kind of people you choose as your friends. This is the whole kind of idea that parents so famously say to their kids: “He’s not the kind of boy I want you to play with.” That’s the idea here. Choose your friends wisely. Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise. The companion of fools will suffer harm.

Chapter 22, verses 24 and 25. Here he speaks of a specific kind of person to avoid having as a friend. “Make no friendship with a man who’s given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” Last week we looked at the idea of a bad temper and keeping your cool in the book of Proverbs. Here it looks at it from the standpoint of friendship. If you have a friend who is like that—given to anger, has a short fuse and he’s wrathful—you’ll end up learning from him in a very bad way, in a way that brings regret.

Or from a more positive standpoint, again, chapter 27, verse 17, perhaps the most famous of the Proverbs on this line of thinking. Proverbs 27:17: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Or as the King James translates it, “Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” The Hebrew word here is actually “the face.” It sharpens the face of a friend. Well, the idea is pretty obvious. It speaks of his demeanor, his deportment, his disposition. Everything about the person is improved by the influence of the friend. And just as a dull iron tool can be sharpened by another iron tool, iron sharpens iron, so also the influence of the right kind of friend is a good one, and it sharpens us.

We have another example of this in chapter 27. Look at verses 5 and 6. Proverbs 27:5-6: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” Now this is a fascinating kind of proverb in the way that he characterizes the two different contrasting sides. One aspect of friendship, he’s telling us here, is that it’s not simply affirming all the time. We need that today, because today, if you don’t simply affirm everything I say and do and want to do, then you must hate me. But here he’s telling us that one aspect of friendship is that you’re not simply affirming. But in fact, if you see your friend going into a way that’s dangerous or harmful or foolish in some way, an aspect of friendship is to speak up against it out of interest for your friends. And if you love your friend enough to risk that friendship and risk that relationship in speaking up at a time like that, then that is a true friend. And in that sense, he says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

So we have this striking contrast. We have friendly wounds and enemy kisses—a person who just affirms, affirms, affirms, affirms, affirms all the time, says something nice, nice, nice, and that’s all he can do, and that just might be your enemy. But a friend is one who’s willing to inflict that wound when it is needed. And so here we have, again, the idea of a friendship that sharpens us, that helps us in some way—intellectually stimulated, stimulated spiritually, stimulated in our faithfulness to God, stimulated to do what is good and steered away from what is bad. It’s the kind of person you can say, “I’m a better person for knowing him.”

Alright, so we have the first characteristic of a friend in Proverbs: he’s faithful, he’s constant, he’s reliable. Number two: he’s a good influence, not a bad influence.

He’s Careful In The Way He Speaks

Third characteristic of a friend in Proverbs: he’s careful in the way he speaks. Now we’ve spent a good bit of time on that already, so let me just highlight a couple of verses in this regard and then we’ll move on. But this is a prominent aspect of friendship in the book of Proverbs. We have to note it at least briefly before we move on. A friend is one who knows what to say, he knows when to say it, he knows to whom to say it.

So chapter 12, verse 18: “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Chapter 22, verse 11: “He who loves purity of heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king as his friend.” Not the kind of person who is always speaking harshly, always on you, but a man who knows how to speak graciously. That person will have friends. Chapter 27, verse 9: “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” Here’s what makes a friend really reliable. He has the right thing to say when you need it. A friend knows how to talk.

A Friend Is One Who Is Trustworthy

Wait, let’s review: a friend is one who is constant and reliable, a friend is one who is a good influence, and a friend is one who is careful in the way he speaks, and he knows what to say and when to say it. Then quickly, a fourth characteristic of friendship in Proverbs, and that is a friend is one who is trustworthy. Now this is like our first point—he’s constant and reliable—but with a bit of a different slant. He’s trustworthy in the sense that he knows how to hold in confidence what should be held in confidence. And he’s not going to harm his friend by saying something to someone else that he shouldn’t say.

So let’s look at chapter 16 and verse 28. Proverbs 16:28: “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” That’s generally a synonymous parallel. The two sides generally say the same, but there is something of a contrast being involved. We have two different kinds of speakers. We have the dishonest man and the whisperer. The dishonest man may be a liar, someone who says something that’s false to someone else. Or it might be dishonest in the sense that he hasn’t held in confidence what he should have held in confidence. But in any case, the emphasis seems to be thrown on the second half of the verse: “A whisperer separates close friends.”

So we have the dishonest man and the whisperer and the consequences of their actions. A dishonest man spreads strife. He says something that shouldn’t have been said, and it creates conflict in the community. Oh, how many churches could have been spared by this proverb? Someone saying something to someone else that ought not to have been said. “A dishonest man spreads strife.” But then, the contrast: “A whisperer separates close friends.” He says something he shouldn’t have to someone else, and as a result, that friendship is broken. I was talking to a man just yesterday, a pastor, who experienced just this. Some close friends in the church, some things were said that shouldn’t have been said—in fact, were wrong—and now, where before they were close friends, now there’s just nothing left. “A whisperer separates close friends.”

Well, the point is obvious here, and that is to condemn both the dishonest man who spreads strife and the whisperer who separates close friends. And the point then is to tell us: don’t be either. Be the kind of friend who knows to keep your mouth shut. Both of these men are evil in their own way. A dishonest man, the whisperer—both are very foolish.

One way to branch out at this—we won’t, but I’ll just mention it quickly—and that is some of the Proverbs on this matter of being closest friend speak of it in terms of your spouse, the husband or the wife, being trustworthy in this sense. And I’ll give you just one in that regard. Chapter 31, verse 11, speaking of the virtuous woman: “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” It was just a marvelous picture there. This wife has proven so loyal and with such sterling character that he has just implicit trust in her. He never has to worry what she might say about him or about them or about their relationship to others. He trusts his wife implicitly. He knows that she always has his best interest in mind and will always speak accordingly. Well, there are others on the spouse as like no other human friendship, but that will suffice for now.

Well, then here are these characteristics of friendship in Proverbs. They’re constant, they’re reliable, a good influence, careful in what they speak, and then also trustworthy. And the lesson of all of those is very obvious and it’s twofold. Number one, and that is to be the right kind of friend yourself. Be the kind of friend who’s a good influence, the kind of friend who’s stable and constant and trustworthy and reliable, and the kind of friend who knows what to say and when to say it, and the kind of friend that influences your friends in a positive way, the kind of friend who’s sensitive, able to give the appropriate help, always and always certain to be there when it’s needed—being the right kind of friend.

And the other side of the application of all of this, of course, is to say to have the right kinds of friends. You want the kinds of friends who will influence you for wisdom. That’s the thrust of it all. Take the right kinds of friends who will sharpen you, sharpen your countenance in the right kind of way, who will be the right kind of influence, have the kind of friends that you know you can trust and rely on, the kinds of friends who will hold things in confidence when they should, the kinds of friends who will be there to say what needs to be said when it needs to be said. Seek to be with those who are marked by wisdom.

Friendship As It Relates To The Gospel

All right, here we have this then on friendship in the book of Proverbs, very quickly overview. Now the question: what makes this so important?

On one level, of course, it’s where I started at the beginning. There’s nothing in life quite like the right kind of friend. Someone who’s trustworthy and constant and reliable, who’s there for you when you need it. This is the kind of thing that makes life just wonderful. So on that level alone, on a horizontal plane, this is an extremely valuable instruction.

But on another level, I think we should see this in terms of the big picture: friendship as it relates to God, friendship as it relates to the gospel. And in a sense, I think we have to see, to understand this really well from a Christian standpoint, just understand that the whole Bible, in a sense, the whole story of the Bible—in a very important sense, the whole meaning of history—is a story of friendship. It is the story of a God who befriended the rebel sinner and who goes to every length to restore fellowship to himself. It’s the story of God, who’s a more faithful friend than anyone ever was before.

And in fact, it might even be surprising to you to think then in terms of this terminology of friendship used in relationship to God. In fact, we find Abraham is called the friend of God in James chapter 2. And in fact, in Isaiah chapter 41 and verse 8, God himself calls Abraham, “my friend.” And in fact, we can track that all the way back to Genesis chapter 12 when Abraham is called by God out of Ur of the Chaldees. God befriends Abraham when he’s living in that pagan center. He befriends Abraham, makes him his, makes him a promise, promises to be faithful, promises that in his seed he’ll bless all the families of the world. And the whole story of the Old Testament is God being faithful to his friend Abraham. The whole story of history is an unpacking of that promise that God made to Abraham that he knew all of the families of the earth will be blessed. The whole story of history is God befriending the rebel sinner through Abraham, his friend, and bringing the world into fellowship with himself.

And it culminates in the New Testament doctrine of reconciliation, where God has sent his Son who came to take the place of sinners, removing every obstacle to fellowship with God and befriending the world, reconciling the world to himself, as Paul calls it in 2 Corinthians 5. And in fact, it shouldn’t be surprising—look at John chapter 15—it shouldn’t be surprising to see Jesus presented as the model of friendship. John 15, beginning with verse 13: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends. And you are my friends, if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”

So here Jesus refers to his disciples. Okay, that’s us. He refers to his disciples as his friends. “No longer do I call you servants,” although we, of course, are servants of Christ in another sense. “I don’t call you servants, I call you friends.” And it’s just astonishing that Christ would use this term, this intimate kind of term, with regard to us. In fact, I remember teaching a Bible study one time some years ago, and we came across this passage, and it just startled a man. He was delighted to see Jesus calls us his friend. It’s an astonishing thing. Now he’s not our friend in terms of he’s our chum and our buddy or anything like that, but he’s our friend in terms of he is just what a true friend should be.

And so he tells us that; he defines friendship for us. Verse 13: “Greater love is no man than this, than someone lay down his life for his friends.” That’s precisely what Jesus did for us. The ultimate display of friendship, stepping into our place and bearing the judgment of God against our sin in order to bring us into fellowship with himself. And then verse 15: “All that I have heard from my Father, I have made known to you.” I don’t call you servants; they don’t know what I’m doing. I call you friends; you know what I’m doing. I’ve told you everything; I’ve not held anything back. All that the Father’s given me, I’ve told you it all. He’s not some selfish kind of guy who says, “I don’t really trust you. I’m going to withhold something.” No, “I’ve told you everything. I’ve given you the fullest revelation of God.”

So here then is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Here’s a friend who’s born for adversity. In terms of Proverbs, he’s proven faithful in the ultimate demonstration of friendship. And when he saw us in our plight, he was there. Jesus, then, the model of friendship, the true friend who sticks closer than a brother.

That, in turn, results in—must result in, we trust in increasing degree—results in a new community of friendship. A new community of friends, and that’s the church. For all the differences between us—culturally, politically, economically, ethnically—we have learned to love one another as Christ has loved us. That there is something in common between us that is so massive and so great and so important that all of these other differences are trivialized. We love one another as Christ has loved us. So the Church of Jesus Christ, ideally at least, and we must make sure it is so in increasing measure, becomes the home of genuine friendship. Close heart fellowship with one another, constant and reliable to one another, trustworthy, influencing one another in wisdom, even sacrificing for one another, and in it all, reflecting the redeeming friendship of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Let’s bow for prayer. Our Father, you have befriended us. We are grateful for your love, and we pray that that would be reflected in our relationships with one another. Lord, I thank you for RBC and the unusual fellowship that we enjoy here. We thank you for that. This is a token of your love and certainly the working of your Spirit among us. We ask that you would protect it. We pray that you would improve it. Make us to be the kinds of friends to one another here that reflect the love of the Lord Jesus to us. In his name we pray.

Just a brief reminder that we’ll be passing the plates just once. This will probably be the last Sunday in which we have to do this because we ordered early in the summer experience sealed elements. So there are sealed elements here—on one side is a wafer, on the other side is the juice. The top simply peels back the way a little K-cup-like package would peel back. If you need gluten-free, then please partake of one of the wafers in the center jar. I’ll ask the deacons if they would come.

While they’re coming, I’ll just reread what Pastor Fred ended on, namely the focus in John 15 on the words of Christ, verses 13 through 15. A marvelous declaration on the eve of his crucifixion: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends. For everything that I learned from my Father, I have made known to you.”

What would the greatest friend you could ever have do for you? Or put yourself in the context prior to conversion. You’re in the courtroom of God. You have heard the declaration: “There is none righteous, no, not one.” You have heard the sentence: “The wages of sin is death.” You have heard the description that that death is going to be a forever punishment. And suddenly you have a voluntary voice speaking up and offering to stand in your place to take your punishment. And that occurred at the cross, the very event that we memorialize.