Church: Reformed Baptist Church of Franconia | Text: Ephesians 6:1-3 | Date: November 12, 2023 | Speaker: Fred Zaspel

As we’ve been doing now in this series, on the second Sunday of each month in the fall, we’re looking at the subject of Christian parenting. Once again, I want to say to those of you who are older and don’t have children at home, thank you for your patience in this. You recognize that many in our congregation still have children at home. And we hope this is useful for them—and for you others, to whatever degree you have influence over grandchildren or nephews or whatever it is. We hope it’s beneficial in that regard. If it just has no application to you at all, thank you for your patience.

Two people, at least, have come to me in this series and mentioned that looking back on their parenting, there’s a degree of guilt. Particularly when we go back through these things—what parents’ responsibilities are and how diligent we should be and all of that—there’s a degree of guilt as to maybe I didn’t do it right, and maybe that’s the reason one of my children didn’t turn out as well as they should have, or things like that. A couple of you at least have mentioned that.

And I guess I want to say a couple of things before we begin in regard to that. Number one, if you look back and feel guilt over what you might have done better, first of all, join the club. There’s not a conscientious parent anywhere who’s done it all right all the time. And there’s not a one of us who doesn’t look back and say, “I should have done this better. I should have done that better. I could have been more faithful in this regard.” There’s not a one of us who can’t say that. I don’t know what relief that gives you, but you’re not unique in that.

And the next thing I want to say with regard to that is what you ought to do when you feel that is to renew your trust in God’s providence. God orders our steps all through life. And it is, as I’ve often said, really a good thing that God can work with sin and failures to accomplish his purpose in the world, because that’s all he’s got to work with: sinners and failures. Trust God’s providence in that. He works through that to accomplish his will and what is always right.

And if, as we have several in our congregation whose children have grown up and are not following the Lord, a few things there as well. Number one, trust the Lord’s providence there too. God is working out his purpose and you can trust that it is right and that it is good. And if your child has grown up and is not following the Lord, it’s his or her fault, not yours. The Bible squarely lays the blame for unbelief on the unbeliever. You shouldn’t hold an undue amount of guilt for that reason.

And the third thing I want to say with regard to that in particular is, if you have someone who has grown and is not following the Lord, don’t give up. God can still save. It wasn’t that many years ago here, we had one of the older couples in the church who had a son who grew up in the church and didn’t follow the Lord; he came to Christ and is serving the Lord today. God can still save. Don’t give up. Continue to pray and continue to exert whatever influence you can have.

And in the meantime, we look then at our responsibilities as we should work them out as parents. Today, we look particularly at the subject of the responsibilities of children, but with that, of course, is the corresponding responsibility of parents. So we look then at Ephesians chapter six. Ephesians chapter six. Let’s bow together for prayer.

Our Father, there are few subjects that we can turn to that are more dear to our hearts than the subject of our children and our responsibilities as parents. What a wonderful privilege, what a wonderful joy it is that you have given to us to have children in our home, and what an enormous responsibility it is also. We thank you that you’ve given us direction in your word, and we pray that you will give us ears to hear it and give us hearts to follow. We pray that you’ll give us diligence, give us wisdom, conviction, and every needed grace to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We pray as we look today particularly into the responsibilities of children and the corresponding responsibilities of parents, we pray that you’ll give us open hearts to it and bless us in this. I thank you, Lord, for the parents of RBC. We have so many outstanding examples of Christian parenting and Christian homes. Just a wonderful thing to behold here at RBC. This is the work of your grace in us. We thank you for it and we pray that you would continue that work and use these times when we turn our attention to it to that end. We pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Ephesians chapter six, verses 1 to 3, the responsibilities of children: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Now, if you would turn forward a few pages to Colossians chapter three—keep your hand here, we’ll be back and spend most of our time here. But in Colossians chapter three, verse 20, here again, Paul is giving instruction concerning the conduct and functions and operations of the household. And in verse 20, he tells us again, addresses our subject this morning: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”

All right, first of all in our series then, we looked at what we might call the obstacle of parenting, and that is Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound in the heart of the child,” and it becomes the parent’s responsibility to steer that heart away from the foolishness that’s inbred in their heart and turn it to God. We saw next, Ephesians 6 verse four here, and that is the responsibility of parents to bring up the children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.

I thought I would read you one quote. I meant to read this last time, but I forgot. Susanna Wesley—this is the mother of John and Charles Wesley—she wrote, “No one can, without renouncing the world in the most literal sense, observe my method. And there are few, if any, that would entirely devote above 20 years of the prime of life in hope to save the souls of their children when they think that they may be saved without so much ado. For that was my principal aim.” Well, she goes down in history as one of the wonderfully successful mothers in that regard. And her notes there, I think, are a wonderful reminder of the responsibility that God has given, not just to mothers, but mothers in particular, because they tend to be the ones that spend more time with the children, to devote that period of life to their eternal good.

Well, that’s what we saw last time in Ephesians 6 in verse 4. We’re going to back up now and see the basic responsibilities of children, and this is basic for it, and with that, the implied responsibilities of parents.

Obey Your Parents

We’ll start with verse 1. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Let’s take our time with this. Obey. Children, obey your parents. The word “obey” is really not a difficult concept, but today it’s become increasingly fuzzy. In fact, I was thinking more and more this week as I was studying through all of this, and I mentioned to the elders yesterday, it strikes me how counter-cultural this is becoming for us.

Now, what Paul is commanding here—”children obey your parents”—in most cultures, for all the history of the world, in virtually every culture, is a given. Children obey your parents, of course. But in our culture, we have learned better, we think, and it’s become fuzzy. So, children obey your parents. That means do what you’re told, as you’re told to do it, when you’re told to do it. Children, obey your parents. It does not mean children obey your parents when they feel like it. It doesn’t mean children obey their parents so long as they’re feeling good. It doesn’t mean children obey your parents when it’s convenient or when you’re in agreement. It means children, obey your parents. It’s really very straightforward and very simple. There’s not much room for anything else in that word, obey.

Obey your parents in the Lord. So Paul is addressing the children as believers. And he’s saying, “This is your responsibility before God. Do this as unto the Lord, your religious duty. Do it out of conviction that this is your obligation before God; this is God’s will for you. Obey your parents. Obey your parents, your father and mother in the Lord.” And then he adds, “for this is right.” Obey dad and mom, why? Not just to avoid a spanking—that might be sufficient motivation—but obey dad and mom because this is right. And this then, parents, is what we are obliged to teach our children, particularly when they’re young. This is what God requires. This is the right thing to do.

Now let’s look back to Colossians 3. We’ll see a couple of items that Paul adds here. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” There’s the same concept, but in different terms. He’s addressing the children as though they are believers. They are wanting to please the Lord. And he says, “This is how, children, this is how you please the Lord. First of all, obey dad and mom.” And then one other detail we should see: “Children, obey your parents in everything.” Not just when you agree, not just when you want to, not just when it’s convenient—even when you’re tired, even when you have a headache, even when you’re feeling grumpy, children, obey your parents. Even when you’d rather play. Even when you’d rather be out with your friends. Children, obey your parents.

These words are very plain, straightforward, and I think the finest illustration of what we can find is in Luke chapter two, verse 51, where it says of the Lord Jesus that he went home with his parents. This is after the temple incident when he was a young boy. He went home with his parents and was subject to them. It’s a fascinating statement. Here’s the divine Son of God, the eternal Son incarnate, and what marked him as the incarnate Son of God in his youth was that he obeyed his parents.

Honor Your Father and Mother

Now verse two, back to Ephesians six, takes us to a broader and a deeper concept. “Honor your father and mother.” Honor is a broader concept than obey. For children still at home, honor entails obedience. But it also entails respect, giving due honor to them. It has to do with attitude. It means they obey, and they obey without complaint, without fussing, without backtalk, showing an attitude of respect always. Speaking then of a deference to dad and mom that is both internal as well as outward or external. Like the little boy who was told to sit down. He didn’t want to sit down. “Sit down.” He didn’t want to sit down. “Sit down.” He didn’t want to sit down, so mom takes him and sits him down and he says, “Well, I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m not sitting down on the inside.” Children not only obey, they honor dad and mom.

And then verses two and three—the rest of verse two and verse three—they offer the rationale for it. “Honor your father and mother. This is the first command with a promise.” So notice this is a command—no negotiation here—but it’s also a command with a promise. And he tells us what that promise is: “That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

Now what he’s doing here is citing Deuteronomy chapter five from the Ten Commandments. Deuteronomy chapter five, verse 16, which reads: “Honor your father and mother as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” So the fifth commandment of the Ten Commandments is not “children obey your parents.” The fifth commandment is “honor your father and mother.” Now for children still at home in the nuclear family, that entails obedience. And so Paul mentions that first here in verse one. And Paul then is applying it then to this broader command to honor your parents, which is the responsibility of all of us throughout life, but he’s applying it to children still at home. Children, obey your parents.

And then he attaches that command to a promise, to give kind of incentive to it, “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” And there, as I say, he’s quoting Deuteronomy chapter five. Well, in fact, he says here, it’s the first command with promise. In fact, it’s the only command with a specific promise attached of the ten. It’s the first; it’s the only one.

Now, on one level, he’s playing, I think, here against the covenant structure, the structure of the old covenant where God had promised Israel, “If you, then I; if you keep the commands that I’m giving you, then I’ll bless you in your land and you’ll prosper in your land and you’ll prosper in many ways against your enemies,” and so on. It’s a covenantal structure. It was very much an “if you, then I” kind of a structure. And that’s one of the basic differences between the old covenant and the new. Now Paul, in one sense, Paul is working against that. And in the Old Testament context, the land there, of course, is Canaan. God has promised this plot of land to you; you can have it, it’ll be all yours, and I’ll make sure you keep it if you keep these commands, and if you keep these commands, you’ll prosper in the land. If you don’t, you’ll receive the covenant curses.

But now he specifies for children: what this means is, you honor your father and mother—and not just for children, for all of us all through life, honor your father and mother—that it may go well with you and receive God’s blessing. In other words, God takes this very seriously. In the New Covenant, this of course becomes the new heaven and the new earth. As Paul quotes it here, I’m sure that’s what’s involved. But God takes this very seriously. Dishonoring your parents, disobedience to parents is the ground of judgment, and we find that in some of the Mosaic sanctions, as you know. Anyone who attacks his father, let him be stoned and put to death. If anyone curses his mother or father, let him be put to death.

Well, Paul here is still addressing believers, as he was in verse one. But he’s also addressing Gentile believers. And so the land here now is not Canaan; it’s promised to the saints in the new heavens and the new earth. Just as he warns elsewhere about immorality and you must keep the commands of the kingdom to be in the kingdom, he’s saying those who look to enjoy life in the new heaven and the new earth must live today according to the laws of that kingdom. And for children, what that means is you honor your mother and father. Obey mom and dad.

So Paul has elevated then this command to obey and honor your parents to a high level of importance. Obeying your parents, children, obeying your parents, honoring your parents is a Godward act. We do this as an act of worship. Out of honoring God, we keep his command and honor parents. So we obey parents, honor our parents, not just because they want your compliance. You obey and you honor because God requires it and because God says he will reward it.

Well, this is the most basic responsibility of children. Children, obey your parents. Now, as I say, there’s not a lot of wiggle room in that. It’s pretty clear what that means. You do what you’re told, as you’re told, when you’re told, how you’re told. Honor your parents. It has to do with more than just external obedience. It has to do with honor and respect and showing the right attitude toward parents.

Implicit Responsibilities of Parents

Now, implicit in this is a parent’s responsibility not only to require obedience on the same ground—because God requires it of you, we require it of you—but also implicit in this is the parent’s responsibility to establish guidelines and boundaries for the kids, so that now the parent is in a situation where he or she, dad or mom, says “yes,” but also says “no.” Now there’s a silly, stupid teaching that is getting more prevalent in the world today. When you read the books regarding parenting, they say you should never say no to your children. The dumbest thing I ever heard in my life. Never say no to your children because somehow it affects them negatively and all of that. Oh, I could go on a tirade against that.

Implicit in this is the parent’s responsibility to say no or yes, given their discretion, not the children’s discretion. Implicit in this is the parent’s responsibility to establish for the children what is right and what is wrong. And not only what is right and what is wrong, but what is allowable and what is not allowable. And not only that, we have to help them distinguish between what is good, better, and best. And that gets a little more discerning. And it’s up to the parents to do that. And then the situation comes up with the children, the parent says, “No.” The child says, “Yes ma’am, yes sir.” That’s the situation.

And also it’s the parent’s responsibility to teach the children not only that they must obey, but that they must obey and honor their parents as a Godward act, as an act of worship—that this is God’s will for them in the situation that they are in in the home right now, to obey their parents. And it’s also implicit here, it’s the parent’s responsibility to teach the children what it is to honor their parents. You are failing your children if you allow them to honor you and respect you and show respect and give obedience only when they feel good. It troubles me when I see even Christian parents allowing exceptions. The child, he doesn’t feel good, and so somehow that gives license for backtalking or disobedience or whatever. You’re failing your children if you allow them to have an attitude against you, allow them to grumble and complain when you’ve given them something to do.

When you speak, parents, the children listen. And if when you give a command to your child—I’ve seen this many times even with children of Christian parents—if you can give a command to your child and he continues as though he never heard it, you see it more and more all the time, you’re failing your children. So a child is told, “Go to bed, clean up your room, pick up your toys, come inside,” whatever the command is. He is not to continue playing. He is not to grumble. He is not to complain. He is not to give mom a hard time for it. There must never be a struggle; you should never have to force compliance. The child should certainly never roll his eyes at mom and “here we go again.” Disrespect.

But when mom and dad give a command—”Come inside,” “Stay home this weekend,” whatever it is—there must be immediate, even an instinctive, principled deference to dad and mom. That’s what’s required. And I don’t know how to say this, if this is a major objective of parenting, but certainly one of your responsibilities as a parent is to resolve that your will will be stronger than your child’s will. That’s a blunt way to put it. But isn’t that a big part of the struggle? And you must resolve to be successful as a parent, that your will will matter more than his. And they must learn that; the children must learn that. Foolishness is bound in their hearts and it’s your job to steer them away from that foolishness. And to do that, you have to resolve that your will will be stronger than theirs.

Honestly, that’ll take diligence on your part, especially you mothers who are at home with your children all day. It might seem some weeks like you’ve got nothing else done. It requires diligence. You’ve got to stay at it and stay at it and stay at it. But that’s the responsibility. It’s going to be easier to give in at the moment. But I promise you, it’ll be a lot harder if you do. I developed a saying years ago. It applies in the home, it applies in church life: when troubles come up, it’s easier to do it the hard way. Take care of this now or it’s only going to grow and get worse.

All right: obey, honor. This is the most basic responsibility of children. It’s the most basic of their requirements. These are absolutes; they’re inflexible requirements. They’re rules that can never be broken. Never backtalk. There’s never an excuse for that in the home and it should never be allowed. And never “No.” Oh my, if I’d ever said that to my dad or my mom, I don’t know, I might not be here today. There should never be “I don’t want to,” and there should never be the challenging tone of “Why?” Obey and honor. Never grumble. It’s an inflexible rule that they must obey at all times and honor parents. Never an argument, never a struggle, certainly never a fight. Children, obey your parents. Honor your father and mother.

Now, because this is so countercultural, I have to say that if this strikes you as overstated, you need to correct your thinking. There’s not much else we can get out of this. “Children, obey your parents. Honor your father and mother.” What good would it be to allow any exception to this rule in your home? How would that help the child? What good will come of that? Why would this sin receive more tolerance than others? Children, obey your parents; honor your father and mother.

I’m not saying that every infraction should receive a spanking. I’m not saying that at all. We’ll talk more about discipline next time. But I am saying—and you’ve probably heard me say this before—that not one act of disobedience, not one act of dishonoring and disrespecting parents, not one act should ever go unchecked. Never. There’s no excuse for it and it will do no good whatsoever. And if this seems difficult for you as a parent, you need to see how behind the game you are.

My dad always said when people would ask, “Well, what are the rules you have in your house?” my dad always simplified it. He would say, “There’s only one rule in our house. Kids have to obey the parents.” Now you can pick at that and you can say, “Well, of course, there are a lot more rules that come after that.” Yeah, of course there are. But that was the focus. You just do what dad and mom say and everything else is fine. That’s the point.

I hear other parents today—I’ve heard this for a generation or more—when it comes to difficulties with their children, particularly as they get older and they want one thing and the parents don’t want it, and parents will often say, “Well, you have to choose your battles.” Why? There’s one battle here: children obey your parents. That’s it. Now, I’m happy to sit down with my child and explain why we have this rule or the other, whatever. I won’t be challenged, but I’ll be happy to explain why we do. We have reasons for what we believe, and I want to do that. But there’s no reason I have to “choose my battles” and give in somewhere where they don’t. No. Children, obey your parents. That’s the rule of the house. Every day, all day, and without exception. Children, obey your parents; honor your father and mother in the way that you talk to them and in the way that you talk about them.

All of your friends should know that you have respect for your parents and their authority. You should never show an attitude of disrespect, never for a moment roll your eyes. “Hmm, I don’t want to do that.” Never grumble, complain. Never try to make mom feel bad for what she’s requiring of you at this point or give her the silent treatment. It should never be difficult for your dad or your mom to give you a command and say, “Do this,” “Do the other,” “Don’t do that,” “Don’t do the other.” When your parents place restrictions on you—where you go, when you go, how to spend your money as you get older—when they place restrictions on you, always, the attitude is one of respect and honor.

When you go out in the evening, children, as you get older and you’re allowed to go out with friends, it’s not up to you to decide when you should be home. It’s up to your parents to decide that. It’s up to you to obey. As you get older and you become interested in dating, understand it is not up to you to decide whether or not you can date this or that person. It’s up to your parents to decide that. It’s not even up to you to decide if you can date yet. It’s your parents’ decision. And you, living at home with your parents, obey and honor, and you do it as unto the Lord.

Let’s not only do what we’re told as children, but you must do so with an attitude of heartfelt submission and obedience to dad and mom for the place that they are in under God in the home. You do this even if you don’t like what you’ve been told, even if you don’t like the restriction that’s been given or the “no” that answers “can I go somewhere?” Even if you don’t like it, you do it as unto the Lord and obey and honor dad and mom.

Applications for Parents

Now, some applications quickly for parents. I want to just flesh this out a little bit in some particulars and make it more practical.

Number one, I’m going to say this in a negative way: it’s a huge mistake on your part when you fail to check attitude problems. It’s a huge mistake on your part if you fail to check attitude problems. You allow a child to conform externally, but you allow them to do it with a defiant attitude—huge mistake. “Let’s go now.” “No, I don’t want to go.” “Let’s go now.” “I don’t want to go.” And you pick them up and you drag them because you’re bigger and you win. Huge mistake. It’s not only wrong; it’s harming the child. You’re failing to teach basic lessons for life. So you have this toddler. He argues, he fusses, he stiffens up when you pick him up, and he’s fighting against you, you know, like they do. Even my kids could do that on occasion. You can force it if you’re bigger, but you’ve failed if you don’t correct the attitude. You’re losing and you’re behind the game. You have a three or four year old: “Go to your room.” “I don’t want to go to my room.” “Go to your room.” “I don’t want to go to my room.” And so you pick him up and you take him to the room and you think you’ve won. But I often think when I see that kind of thing with parents, what’s that going to be like when he’s 16? Children a little bit older, they’re at the table. “I don’t want to eat my peas, I don’t like them.” You eat what dad and mom tell you to eat. That’s the way I was brought up. That’s the way my kids were brought up. I had a saying. I would always say it with a smile because it’s so blunt, it’s ridiculous. But there’s truth in the jest of it: “You will eat your peas and you will like them. And if you don’t like them, you will make me think that you like them. And if you don’t, you can have more. And if that doesn’t work, we can give you an attitude adjustment and then you can have more.” Learn to obey. They’ve got to learn it.

Teenager years, that’s when it becomes often more of a challenge, particularly if you haven’t worked at it when they’re young. The teenager will be told something and he rolls his eyes. “Dumb mom and dad” is what the implicit message is. Smart back at mom. Sassy response. My children knew—I knew when I was a kid—I knew when I was a kid that if I ever backtalked my mother, oh my goodness, my dad, yeah, he’d have put me into the next week. It would not have been a happy experience for me and whatever I hoped to accomplish through sassing my mother wouldn’t have worked. My children knew the same: “He will not backtalk my wife. I didn’t marry her for that.” And you know what? My kids never dared me on that either. But you have to be willing to enforce it. My children understood that they, as well as we—it’s a responsibility for all of us, but it’s a responsibility of the children too—must keep the atmosphere of the home happy. And we will not have an unhappy home because of your attitude. We’ll deal with it however we need to deal with it. This home’s going to be a happy one.

I’ve mentioned it before. People ask me for formulas for having a happy home and a successful home and all of that. I can give you verses for almost all of this, and I think the fourth one is implicit. But what I’ve always said—and I don’t have a particular order for this, but I’ll mention it this way—here are the ingredients that must be in place for successful parenting. One, there must be discipleship. We talked about that last time: religious instruction, discipleship. You work hard at discipling and all that that entails. Number two, there must be discipline. They must learn to obey dad and mom. Number three, there must be love. Your discipline won’t work out of the context of love. I mean, you might get forced obedience, but you’re not really successful if it’s not smothered in an atmosphere of love. So discipleship, discipline, love. And the fourth one—this is one I can’t quite find a verse for, but pretty close—I’ll just call it fun. Happiness. The home ought to be the happiest spot on the earth for all of us. And you work to make that happen. My children understood that. We will not have an unhappy home because of an attitude. And if your attitude needs adjusting, we’ll adjust it. We’re going to have a happy home together.

All right, number one: don’t fail to check attitude problems. Number two, begin requiring this immediately. Begin requiring this immediately. Parents whose toddlers are defiant and ignore parents’ commands, who are told to stop and they keep on doing it without a flinch—I often wonder what’s going to happen to this child and what grief the parents are going to have when he’s 16, when he’s 18. Shape them while they are young, while they’re still moldable. Take them while they’re young and teach them to obey and to honor. And this means partly that you don’t wait too long to begin discipline. And we’ll talk more about that next time. But don’t say, “Well, he’s too young.” If—I’ve often put it this way—as soon as the child can recognize that he or she can show defiance, he’s old enough to recognize that it produced an unpleasant result. If they can understand that this action produces this unpleasantness, they learn that “we won’t do that anymore.”

Our daughter threw a tantrum one time. She was young; she was still in a high chair. And dad had a rule already in place: “Kids throw a tantrum, I throw a bigger one.” And she thought it was the end of the world. It wasn’t. It was not a big deal. But she thought it was the end of the world. That was the last tantrum we ever saw. Work while they’re young and moldable. Now, with that, you’ve got to be careful. You can’t require an 18-month-old child to be a 3-year-old child. You’ve got to take them where they are, be careful with all of that, still be loving and all of that, but take them where they are and expect them to live up to it. One time when Gina, our firstborn, was—I don’t know how old she was. She was at that age where she’s not quite walking and not quite talking, but she’s able to crawl and pull herself up and stand up in the living room. And she’s crawling around. And she went over to a shelf where Kim had some knickknacks out on the shelf. And she crawls up, pulls herself up at the knickknack shelf. And she reaches to grab one of those knickknacks. And I was watching it all. “No, no.” She looked back at me. And she reaches again, and “No, no.” This was our first time, so I was a little patient. She looks back, and I don’t know if it was three times, I think. She reached the third time—well, that was it, and it was over, and she learned not to do that. I don’t know if it was later that day or the next day. She crawls to the same place, picks herself up, stands at the knickknack shelf, and looks at the same knickknack. She goes, “No, no, no, no, no, no.” I thought, “Round one goes to dad.” Your children are happier when they know their boundaries. Work at it while they’re young.

Number three, never allow exceptions. Not ever. Obey and honor dad and mom every time, all the time. So, “Let’s go now.” “I don’t want to go.” We’ve already gone too far. Already gone too far. Of the very essence of discipline is to do what you are responsible to do even when it’s not convenient. So if they have a headache or they’re sick that day and they’re in a lump like little children can get when they’re sick, of course you’re patient with that and you work with it and all, but they still must obey and they still must honor. And they don’t get a pass because they don’t feel good. They must learn the discipline of doing what they’re responsible to do.

Bruce will probably remember this. The Bandres would remember it as well. Years ago when my children were younger, I’d preach on the home. It was the kids who always had my sermon illustrations. And more now, it’s not just my kids from when they were young, but it’s my grandkids as well. So they just have to live with it, I guess. Now that’s what we live with, and we had the grandkids over recently, and Gracie, the younger one, was sick. And she was really sick, and she was kind of in a lump. And Andrew wanted to do something with her, and she snapped back at him. She’s crabby, and—no, no passes on that today, even though you’re sick. Sorry, you’re not going to do that. You don’t let them get by.

I remember when Jimmy was three years old, not quite four, he had to get a tonsillectomy. Tonsils and adenoids removed. He was quite a case. He would snore when he was sleeping like an old man. One time in a Sunday night service, he fell asleep, and it was at one of those pauses in the sermon, and he’s sleeping away. And of course the congregation loved that. So anyway, we had to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and we take him into surgery. And of course, mom and dad were out there waiting, kind of pacing and hoping everything goes well. And finally, someone came out to tell us everything went well. He’s now in recovery. And I know what’s going on in that recovery. Not only is he hurting, but more than that, he’s scared to death. “Let me go in.” “Oh, we don’t let parents go into the recovery room.” It might surprise you to know that I can be insistent, and I did. And anyway, they finally let me in. I said, “I can help that boy better than you can.” And so I went in, and he’s lying there in the crib, and I put my hand on his chest, you know, and I rub it. “Okay, buddy, it’s going to be all right.” And you pamper him a little and you give him some love. And he’s still just wailing and he’s crying away. And you know how they do when they can’t even gasp for air? And just he’s just crying away. And it was just sad. And I’m trying to calm him. And finally, I knew it would work. I knew it wasn’t going to be received well by the others in the room. “All right, Jim, that’s enough. Stop it.” And they looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. “That’s enough, Jim.” And within no time, he’s calmed down. He’s not crying. He’s learned the authority of dad’s voice. And on the way out, the nurses were all singing a different tune. “We have never seen anything like that.” Start when they are young. Don’t allow exceptions. They will be happier when they know the boundaries and they can be guided through it. Stay at it. Again, even if it seems like some weeks you’d get nothing else done.

Number four, require immediate obedience. Require immediate obedience. Three common mistakes here. Number one: allowing delayed obedience. Teach your kids, delayed obedience is not obedience. And if they come back and show, “Oh, I was going to,” yeah, but you didn’t. A child told to stop keeps right on going without a flinch. I’m not saying every infraction needs a spanking, but every infraction needs to be checked. Don’t allow delayed obedience. Number two: don’t allow the challenge, “Why?” Again, I’m all for teaching your children why, and I want to do that up front, but when it comes to the moment of command, I won’t be challenged. They need to obey as a principle. They must obey without explanation. Explain it when you can, but when the command is given, they must obey. A third problem here regarding immediate obedience is hollering to get compliance. So, you tell the kid, “Go to your room, pick up your toys.” He keeps at it, he keeps at it. “Pick up your toys!” He keeps at it, he keeps at it. “Pick up your toys!” He keeps at it, and he keeps at it, and now this time you really mean it: “I said pick up your toys!” And finally he does it. And what you’ve just taught your child is that he doesn’t need to obey until you sound really mean. That’s not obedience. You ought to be able to get obedience with a simple point of the finger. I remember one time—all churches have this problem—children running too much in the auditorium and tripping people. And I remember one time when Jimmy was very young, and we’re in the auditorium of the church after a service one time, and he and one of his friends go running by, and I was talking to one of the deacons in the church, and he comes running by, and I snap my fingers, point to a chair, and Jimmy goes and sits down in the chair. The deacon that I was talking to: “Wow, I’ve never seen that.” The authority of dad and mom ought to be unquestioned. That’s not something exceptional.

I had a friend who’s a professor at a school. He said that when he was young, his dad had established authority in the home. They were taught obedience. He was a young teenager by the time his dad became an invalid and was bedridden; he couldn’t get up. He certainly was not able physically to enforce anything with the kids. But he said, “Still, the whole time I lived at home, when dad spoke, I jumped. I obeyed,” because the authority of dad’s voice was established when they were young.

Number five: don’t bribe your children to get compliance. “Okay, let’s go home now.” “I don’t want to go.” “Let’s go home now.” “I don’t want to go.” “Let’s go home.” “I don’t want to go.” “If you go with me now, we’ll get ice cream.” “Okay.” And what you’ve done is rewarded disobedience. Obey out of principle.

Number six: don’t avoid points of difficulty. And I give you this one sort of out of experience in our own home. Gina was our strong-willed one and we saw it early on. And there were situations where she didn’t like it; it became noticeable and it was difficult. So Kim and I recognized at one point that we found ourselves avoiding those situations just so we didn’t have to deal with it. We thought, “Oh no, that’s not right.” And so we started doing the reverse. We started pushing those kinds of situations so we had the opportunity to teach. It might be the color of the balloon or who gets to go first or whatever. We push those now so that she can learn to obey. Don’t avoid points of difficulty. Make opportunities at home to teach them what they need to know. You find yourself out and about somewhere and you give children commands and they don’t want to comply and you’re embarrassed; take that situation home and work it over. Don’t avoid points of difficulty.

Well, when I was at home with my dad, I remember hearing him say that whatever else he couldn’t do, he was determined that his children would obey. That made great sense to me. And I took that to my own home when I started to have children. I thought, “I can’t guarantee outcomes, but I can guarantee that they’ll obey.” The first verse Jim and Gina memorized—you remember, Jim?—Ephesians chapter six, verse one: “Children, obey your parents.” First verse they had memorized. That’s where we start.

Now again, if this seems harsh, if this seems negative, a couple of things. Number one, recognize what I mentioned earlier: that even the world recognized this. In virtually every culture in the whole history of the world, this was a given. When Paul wrote that, it was not something radical. And number two, if this seems harsh and negative, notice verse four. Parents’ responsibility goes further. “Bring them up in the discipline and in instruction of the Lord.” That entails certainly discipline—as we’ll talk next time, punishment, that kind of thing—but it entails more than that. It entails love; it entails modeling God’s fatherhood. God is the Father after whom all fatherhood is named. It entails showing what a great Father God is and reflecting that in your own fatherhood. And also the next part of the verse: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” Don’t exasperate your children. And that’s why I say we ought to have not only discipline, discipleship, discipline, and love, but fun. Make this home a happy place. Don’t exasperate your children by inconsistent discipline or overly harsh discipline where the punishment outweighs the crime. We’ll talk more about that next time.

But this is basic. This is just Parenting 101. The very first, the very best thing you can do for your children is teach them to obey and honor their parents. It may require a lot of diligence on your part, but the children must learn that their will has to be subject to yours. That’s just basic. So far as you are able, seek to curb the foolishness that’s in their hearts, teach them submission to your authority, and pray and pray that when they are old enough, they will learn to bow the knee to the Lord Jesus Christ as well. Amen. Let’s pray.

Our Father.