Church: Reformed Baptist Church of Franconia | Text: — | Date: June 25, 2011 | Speaker: Fred Zaspel

It’s good to be back, and thank you for coming on a summer Saturday morning. It speaks well of you, and it bodes well for your children, I’m sure.

Last evening we began looking at our goals as parents. We saw that our children are entrusted to us from God, and it is our responsibility simply to give them back to Him. That’s our goal. Now, what we’re fighting against in that is inbred depravity, original sin, a natural bias against God, or as Proverbs puts it, foolishness—foolishness that’s bound in the heart. And we have to recognize that we’re fighting against that. And so what we want to do is throw everything at that that God has given us. We want to use every means that He has ordained to overcome that foolishness that is born in the hearts of every one of us.

And so a huge part of that, then, is the right use of the Scriptures. We dealt with that last evening. Saturating our children’s minds with the gospel and the Scriptures—this is the stuff that God uses to save. And so we throw that at them as constantly and continuously as we can.

Now you remember in Proverbs 22:6, the command is, or the proverb is, “Train up a child in the way that he should go.” And I made the point—Ryle makes this point in his little booklet, The Duties of Parents—train up a child in the way that he should go, not in the way that he would go. Now you’re going to hear it from the experts in society today, psychologists and whatnot: what you need to do is be careful not to hinder your children’s self-expression; let them find their own way; that’s your job. It’s exactly not your job. Your job is to train them in the way that they should go. And so you bring them up in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.

The other topic that we have to look at now is this matter of child discipline: directing them in their lives even with the use of the rod. And we’re going to try to take a quick survey of all of that this morning. One of the frustrations, same as with last evening, is we have so much to cover and so we just hit things and run. If you have questions like that, please write them down so you don’t forget, and we’ll try to cover them in the next hour.

Responsibilities Of Children

Let’s go for a quick overview of this matter of discipline, then, and child training. Ephesians chapter six. Last evening we looked at verse four with the responsibilities of parents. This morning we look at verses one through three, responsibilities of children.

Ephesians 6:1–3: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Again, verses one and two: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother.”

All right, first off, let’s work for a quick understanding of the passage. Notice the phrase, “in the Lord.” “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” I take that to mean something like: this is your duty before God. The children are to be instructed, then, that their obedience to God is to express itself in their obedience to parents. God’s will for the children is for them to obey their parents, and it is your job to teach them that.

I’ve often got a kick out of it. It wasn’t planned this way ahead of time; it just sort of happened. The first verse that my children memorized was Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents.” It’s a quick, easy verse that any little child can memorize. You want them to recognize that this is their religious duty. This is their duty before the Lord. In other words, then, obey your parents out of a high regard for the Lord Jesus Christ. And what that tells you as parents is you are to teach your children that—that their number one priority is to love God, of course, but under that, their duty is to show their love for God by obeying Dad and Mom.

And then notice the end of the verse: “obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.” This is right. What Paul has done here is elevated the matter of obedience. It’s not simply “do what I tell you or you’ll get a spanking.” It’s that too, but it’s more than that. Obey your parents. Why? Because it’s right. This is a moral obligation that God holds you accountable for.

And then, the next verse, he notes that in Exodus, in the giving of the Ten Commandments, “Honor your father and mother” is the first command with promise. If you look back at the giving of the Ten Commandments, it is the only command with a promise attached to it: “that you may live long in the land.” What he’s simply saying here is that this is first in importance. It’s basic; it’s foundational. That is to say, God lays a particular stress on the importance of this command.

Why? Is it because it’s reflective of this structure of authority otherwise? This is a reflection of the order of things in our submission to God, and they are, in a sense, reflecting the authority of God in the home in that respect. And so it reflects their submission to God. It may be something like that. But in any case, the point here is that God lays a particular stress of importance on this matter. “Children, obey your parents, honor your father and mother.” So again, he’s elevated this matter of obedience and honor of parents to something very high, very important. This before God is your obligation. And then you as parents, this is your obligation then to teach your children, not just that they must obey, but teach them why—that before God, this is their responsibility.

Obey And Honor

Now, let’s get more to the point. Two words here: obey and honor. “Obey your parents.” Now, what does obey mean? Now, it’s not a trick question. I’m asking you to get you to think through it because there’s a whole lot that passes for obedience, it seems to me, that isn’t obedience.

Obedience simply is doing what you’re told to do, right? Obey your parents. It means you do what you are told to do. It does not mean do what you are told to do if you agree. It does not mean do what you are told to do if it’s convenient. It doesn’t mean obey, do what you’re told to do if you feel like it. It means do what you’re told to do. I’m going to stress this. This is basic of parenting. If you can’t do this, if we can’t get this right, we’ll fail everywhere. This is basic. Obey. Do what you are told to do, not just if you agree or if it’s convenient. It’s not a difficult concept. To obey is to do what you are told to do when you are told to do it and how you are told to do it. And you must teach your children that, that this is what obedience means. Whether they feel like it or not, whether they are sick or not—you know how it is when they’re sick. It’s got nothing to do with it. You do what you’re told to do. Obedience. It must be held as an absolute in the home.

And the next one, “Honor your father and mother.” Now that’s a much broader concept. First Timothy 5, for example, honoring your parents means providing for them in their old age. Okay, well, that’s one application of it. But you see, the idea is broader here. If you honor your parents, you will obey them, children. But the idea here is more than obedience. It’s honor; it’s respect. It has to do with an attitude—an attitude of respect and reverence.

So the kid is told to sit down. “I don’t want to sit down.” “Sit down.” “I don’t want to sit down.” Should never happen. That’s not honoring Dad and Mom. Or as the old story used to go: “Sit down.” “I don’t want to sit down.” “Sit down.” “I don’t want to sit down.” “I said sit down.” So he sits down. “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside.” Not in my house.

Honor your father and mother. These two are basic, folks. If we can’t get this, we can’t get anything. If we get this, we’ve got everything. This is foundational. Obey Dad and Mom; honor Dad and Mom. This is basic. And so that means, then, that you never, never talk back to Dad and Mom. That’s just not allowed. Never will you get by with rolling the eyes. You just don’t do that. You honor your father and mother. You don’t sass, you don’t backtalk, you obey. And you obey cheerfully and respectfully. Is that too much? Isn’t that just what these words mean? I know this sounds radical, but isn’t that just what these words mean? You do what we tell you to do and you do it cheerfully with a good attitude of respect and reverence for your parents. Honor your father and mother.

Now, this must be—must be, if you’re going to be successful—this must be an inflexible rule in your house. I’ve seen lots of Christian homes that have lots of rules, a list of rules, do’s and don’ts, and all that. There’s some need for all of that, of course, but I always used to like to tell my kids we only have one rule in our house: You do what Dad and Mom say. That’s it. Gets the focus on, right?

And this must be absolutely inflexible in your home. You will do what you are told to do when you’re told to do it, how you’re told to do it. You’ll do it cheerfully. Keep in mind all of this, what we talked about last night, this is all in an atmosphere of prevailing love, religion, and all of that, and fun. But when it comes down to it, you will do what you’re told to do when you’re told to do it, and no act of disobedience and no act of dishonor will go unchecked. That doesn’t mean that everyone necessarily gets a spanking, but no act of dishonor will ever go unchecked.

Now, we get this down, and I’ve said it now about six different ways. I’m trying to stress the point that if you get this down, you’ve got everything. If you can get this, the rest of parenting is easy. You must determine at the outset with your children, while they are very young, “My children will obey. My children will honor their parents, and not one moment of disrespect will be allowed.”

I don’t recall one incident, one instance in my home when my children backtalked or sassed their mother or me. Now we had a wonderfully happy home. Prevailing love—told you a little bit about it last night. We just have the happiest spot on the planet and it’s still that way. But I think that if my kids had ever thought of sassing their mother, they’d have just trembled at the thought of it. They’d just think, “What would Dad do to that?” You don’t dishonor your mother.

I dealt with a kid at church recently. He’s been absolutely defiant—big 16-year-old kid, nice kid otherwise, good kid in so many ways. But he’s been absolutely defiant with his parents. And so they asked me to help and I talked to him. This is the second time I’ve had to talk to him. I had to just shame him. There’s nothing lower, nothing lower than being hard on your mother. I mean, just, what do you think of yourself?

This has got to be ingrained now when they are young. From their earliest days, you start out with them knowing that not one act of dishonor, disrespect, or disobedience will go unchecked. This is an inflexible rule. They must obey at all times. They must honor at all times, period.

Some Common Mistakes That Parents Make

All right. Now, some applications of all of that. I’ve said it as many times as I know how to say it. Now I’ll say it some more. Applications: some common mistakes that parents make. And all I’m going to do with this is apply and flesh out what I’ve already told you. But hopefully, putting this in shoe leather will help us see it better.

Number one: not curbing attitude problems. Not curbing attitude problems. Don’t allow your child to conform externally only. You want them to conform internally as well. And if you don’t curb their attitude problems, you’re not helping the child, you’re not succeeding; what you’re doing is growing a big problem. And you put that attitude problem that you see in a two-year-old or a four-year-old into a 16-year-old or an 18-year-old, and you’ve got big troubles. You want it taken care of early. Curb the attitude problems.

So you tell the child, “Go to your room.” “I don’t want to go to my room.” “Go to your room.” “I don’t want to go to my room.” And so you pick him up and you take him to his room and you close the door and you think you’ve won. You haven’t won anything. You’re tougher than he is, that’s all. They must conform inwardly as well as externally. We don’t allow arguing, we don’t allow dishonoring, we don’t allow any disobedience—none of that goes unchecked.

Your kids are playing with their friends at church or at another friend’s house or something. You say, “Okay, let’s go now.” “I don’t want to go now.” Now you’ve got some problems here. Not only is that disobedience, that’s disrespect; it’s dishonor at the very beginning of it all. And you don’t just simply make them go with you. You deal with the dishonor and the disrespect. Obey your parents, honor your mother and father. And that means for you now: curb the attitude problems and curb them early. You must start when they are very young or you’re way behind the game.

And you know how sometimes it will start to just kind of taper off and you start sensing a little bit of an attitude problem with kids, and just a little bit more and a little bit more. And you think, “What’s going on here?” And maybe a given instance of it, you’re not sure it should be rebuked or spanked. But you’re starting to see a trend. We used to tell our kids every once in a while, “It seems, Josh, you need a tune-up.” You know, the car starts running bad, needs a tune-up? Yeah, you need one of those once in a while. So every once in a while, we’d catch a little bit of that. “Gina, you need a tune-up?” “Nope.” They never agreed that they needed one. They never thought that they did.

But your child will argue, stiffen up in defiance when they’re young, when you’re holding them. Mom forces them because she’s bigger, but you haven’t dealt with the attitude problem. You can’t allow the defiance. You can’t allow the dishonor, disrespect. You don’t do your kids any favor by allowing any moment of that at all. God lays a particular stress on this: honor your father and mother. And so at the table, you will eat your peas. You not only eat your peas, you will like them. We used to tell our kids that. Now, they would laugh and they know I’m kidding, but they know I’m not. You’ll eat your peas and you’ll like them. We won’t allow griping about it. And if you don’t eat them and like them and you gripe about it, well, you’ll get some more and you can eat all of them very happily. Which do you like? You’re not going to win this. I’m determined that you will honor your father and mother and you will obey. Now, if you don’t learn this the hard way, we’ll do that, but you’re going to learn it. You’ve got to be determined. They will obey and honor their parents. No griping tolerated, no attitudes. You see an attitude problem in your little children, you’d better get on it and deal with it now. It’s only going to get harder to deal with.

I developed a philosophy. In parenting, same in church work, it’s easier to do it the hard way. Yeah, it’s hard to deal with it, but you let it go, it’s going to get harder. It’s going to get worse and you’re going to regret it. Deal with it while they’re young and curb that attitude problem. Deal with them while they’re still moldable.

Number two: another mistake, waiting too long to begin discipline. I’ve actually heard some parents say things to the effect of, “Well, we wouldn’t allow that if you were 14, but he’s only two.” That’s just foolish, it’s just foolish. They’re not too young. As soon as a child can recognize that he’s being defiant, he can recognize that that defiance produces unhappy results. They can learn that that act of defiance is not in their best interest. You make sure they learn that and you do that while they are young. If he can understand that this action produces this pain, they can learn the connection and you can deal with the attitude problem.

Now again, like I said last evening, that doesn’t mean your six-year-old should be made to behave as though he’s 10 years old. But he should be made to act like he’s six. He should be made to deal with what he can. I remember when Gina, our daughter, was very young. I don’t remember the age—you’ll figure it out with the details of the story. She’s right at that age where she’s not quite walking but pulling herself up and scooting along, you know, and things like that. That was the age. Not quite talking, and so what is that, nine months or something? I don’t know, short of a year, something like that. And she pulls herself up, she’s at a cabinet, and there’s some little trinket that my wife has out on the shelf, a knick-knack. And she starts to reach for it. I’m standing across the room. “No, no.” And she’s just like this. She goes [reaches]. You know she’s getting a connection.

Now, this is the first one. This is the first time. So I’m a little patient. She goes, “No, no.” And she does this again. Looks back. I don’t know if it was two times or three. I was patient with it. She went back for it again. And I was all over it. I was just all over it. She thought the great day of God’s wrath had come. And the very next day, we’re standing in the same room. She walks over to that same place, pulls herself up, the same knick-knack shelf there. And I wonder what’s going to happen. She goes, and she sees the same thing. “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.” I thought, “Yes, round one goes to Dad.” Got it. But you might as well deal with it when they’re young and shape those attitudes while they’re still moldable. Don’t wait too long to begin discipline.

Number three: another mistake, bribing your children to get obedience. I remember seeing this very clearly one time. A family was, or some children were over playing with our children when they were young. And the parents came over to get their kids, take them home. “So let’s go now.” “I don’t want to go home.” And it was a big scene. “We’ve got to go now.” “I don’t want to go home.” And it’s back and forth. “We’ve got to go.” “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here and play.” And you know, I don’t know if it was Dad or Mom—I forget which—said, “If you come with me, we’ll stop and get an ice cream cone on the way home.” And what you’ve done is just taught your children that disobedience brings rewards, makes ice cream cones. If I defy Mom long enough, I’ll get an ice cream cone out of it. Bribing to get obedience is not teaching obedience. You teach them to obey and never reward them for disobedience. Don’t bribe them to obey. They must obey out of principle.

Number four: another mistake, allowing exceptions to obedience. “Oh, he’s tired.” “Oh, he’s sick.” “He’s not feeling well.” “He’s not himself today.” The essence of discipline is to do what is required of you whether you feel like it or not, isn’t it? You cannot allow exceptions to obedience. I remember one time when Gina was very young—I tell lots of stories about my kids when they’re not here. When she was very young, my wife had her along, she was running some errands, she stopped at the dry cleaners to pick up some clothes. And the lady behind the counter looks at Gina—she’s just a little girl, preschool age. “Well, hi, how are you?” Trying to make conversation with her, being very kind. And Gina does the little kid thing, you know, just kind of hides her face in Mama’s skirt, and shy. And she tries to talk to her again, and Kim says, “Tell her hi.” And Gina says, “My can’t, my shy.” Well, now the issue is not shyness; now the issue is obedience because Mom has told her to say hi. You got to keep clear: what’s the issue here? Obedience. And she didn’t say hi and she bore the consequences and learned it. And I think she still remembers that little lesson. But the essence of obedience is to do what is required of you whether you feel like it or not. And that must be instilled in your children. That’s a lesson they have to know for the rest of life, and teaching it early in life only helps them. And besides being helpful to them, it’s right. “Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”

Number five: another mistake, not demanding absolute obedience. Not demanding absolute obedience. We told our kids, “Delayed obedience is disobedience.” You do what you’re told. You can’t come back and say, “Well, I was gonna.” “Gonna” doesn’t cut it. You do what you’re told to do. Or, I told you last night that part of our training of our children ought to be that we explain to them why we do the things we do and why we require the things that we require of them. You teach your kids and you train them and that’s all part of their instruction. But at the moment of command, you don’t allow the question “Why?” “Go do this now.” “Why?” This isn’t the time for a long instruction. The only answer at that point is “Because I told you to do it, that’s why.” Obedience is an absolute; they must render obedience to Dad and Mom.

Number six: hollering to get obedience. “Go to your room!” “Go to your room!” “I said, go to your room!” And finally, they go. And they’ve just learned that they don’t have to go and do what they’re told until Mom really sounds threatening. Then they can go. It’s not hard to get obedience. It ought to be that even without a word, if they understand your will, they must do it.

I remember one time at church years ago, I was talking to one of the deacons afterwards in the aisle at church, and Jimmy was carrying on a little bit too much. We didn’t make a lot of that; we wanted them to have fun at church and all of that, but this was a bit excessive. He was running down the aisle, middle of the auditorium, and I’m talking to this man at the church, and I didn’t want to disrupt the conversation, but I noticed what was going on, and I just went and pointed to the chair. Jimmy sat down. The deacon told me afterwards, he said, “That was awfully impressive.” He says, “Well, boom, there he goes.” Well, isn’t that the way it ought to be? They understand my will, they should do it. It doesn’t have to have a word.

I have a friend whose dad in later life—well, very late in his life, but this friend of mine was probably a teenager at the time. His dad had… I forget what the problem was, but he was laid up; he was an invalid. And so he was either in bed or in a wheelchair. At that point, of course, here’s this guy as a teenager and his dad is laid up like that. There’s clearly no way that his dad can physically enforce anything. But by that time, his dad had done such an effective job teaching his children the authority of his word, it made no difference. He still ruled his house. All he had to do was issue the command and order was in the house. That’s what you want. You don’t have to holler to get obedience. Your words should be their highest authority. It must mean something to them when you speak.

Number seven: another mistake, avoiding difficulties. That is, if a child gets a little touchy in certain circumstances, because you don’t want the conflict, you tend to avoid those circumstances. This happened with us. I told you Gina was our strong-willed one. When she was very little, Kim and I, my wife and I, were talking, and it dawned on us—and we were talking, we admitted that we both had done it—that, yeah, Gina doesn’t like it when you do this or that, and so we tend not to get in those circumstances just to avoid the conflict. And we looked at each other: “How stupid is this?” You know, I don’t want to put off the problem; I want the problem dealt with and solved. And so from then on, poor Gina, we started creating those circumstances so that the issue would come to the surface and we’d deal with it and correct the problem. But don’t avoid difficult circumstances. Deal with those things. Don’t allow small faults like that to become big ones and to go unchecked.

My dad said—I think this was when I was first married or just before I was married, something like that. We were having a conversation about child rearing; I don’t know how it came up. We were talking and my dad said to me, “When I had kids, when we first got our kids, I determined—I determined they would obey.” I thought, “That makes sense, that makes sense. That’s a good rule to go by, isn’t it?” And so when we got our kids, I determined they’re going to obey. Obey and honor your parents.

The Biblical Teaching On The Rod

Now then, that brings us to this next section, and that is the biblical teaching on the rod. And that takes us to the book of Proverbs. The book of Proverbs—and let’s first of all look through a number of passages that talk about the rod, and then I’m going to go back with some questions on them. So mark these—I think you have them on your outline—these passages that we’ll look at, and then what I’m going to do is ask you some questions, just let you think through them, and we’ll work through the answers.

Proverbs chapter 13, verse 24: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but if you love him, you’ll be diligent to spank him. Isn’t that what it says?

Chapter 19, verse 18: “Discipline your son for there is hope. Do not set your heart on putting him to death.” You see the antithesis there? Discipline your son for there is hope. Don’t set your heart on putting him to death.

Chapter 20, verse 30: “Blows that wound cleanse away evil.” Or the old translation I think is, “The blueness of the wound cleanses away evil. Strokes make clean the innermost parts.”

All right. Chapter 22, verse 15 that we saw last evening: “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”

Chapter 23, verses 13 and 14: “Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you strike him with a rod, he won’t die. If you strike him with a rod, you will save his soul from the grave” (or from hell, depending on how we understand Sheol there).

Chapter 29, verse 15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom.” The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. And then verse 17: “Discipline your son and he will give you rest. He will give delight to your heart.”

All right, now some questions about these verses.

Number one: Why did God include these verses in His word? Does He or does He not expect corporal punishment to be part of child rearing? Well, the question almost answers itself. You know, I’m leading you. God put this in His word to give instructions to parents. That is, the Creator of the home has given instruction to parents as to one means that they have at their disposal to train up their children in the right way. Proverbs are inspired wisdom. It is God’s instruction, God’s own instruction for successful parenting. And here we find from these verses that spanking is not only allowable and it’s not only right—the bottom line of it is, it’s commanded, isn’t it? And in fact, the neglect of the rod is specifically forbidden. This is not a matter that’s unclear. And it’s what I said last evening: you’ve got to come to grips with this. Who knows better? I know we’re flying in the face of all that you hear in society. Who knows better, God or the secular psychologist? You’ve gotta come to grips with it. Now, my thinking is: what God says is true and it’s right. Anything that conflicts with it is wrong. That makes it easy, doesn’t it? If we believe that, and we come to deal with this matter of the rod, you don’t feel that emotional struggle of going against society and the experts and all that. God knows better. I can believe that.

Number two: Why does God command parents to use corporal punishment? What does He say is its value and benefit? Well, the point of it all is that it cleanses away evil, it drives away foolishness, it saves his soul from death, it imparts wisdom. The point is, it effects change. As I said last evening, it’s a means of grace. In other words, it works. It brings peace; it brings parental delight.

You remember in Proverbs chapter three, it speaks of God disciplining His children. That’s picked up in Hebrews chapter 12, where the author there deals with parental discipline as a model modeled after God’s discipline of His children. I love especially the way it’s translated in the older King James Version: “No chastening for the moment seems joyous.” No kidding. If your dad spanked like my dad spanked, yeah, it didn’t seem joyous at all. “No chastening for the moment seems joyous, but grievous. Nevertheless, afterwards, it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” That is, it works. You’ve seen that, haven’t you? When the rod is applied faithfully and rightly and well, it has a peaceful result. The kids behave and there’s peace in the home. It yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness. That’s the point in these Proverbs. God commands the use of the rod because of its effectiveness in cleansing away evil. The point of it all is simply that spanking, done rightly, works. It’s effective in curbing the natural rebellion that’s in the heart of children. Now, God does not take the time to explain exactly how that works. And I mentioned that last evening: I don’t quite get the connection myself. Pain applied here brings cleansing here. I don’t understand the whole connection. I don’t have to. The point is it works. It is a means of grace, and its effectiveness is self-evident and it’s obvious.

Number three: According to these verses, why do children need the rod of correction? What is presupposed about children in all of this? Well, what’s presupposed in all of it, of course, is that there’s a natural rebellion in their heart. There’s a tendency towards sin that you need to curb, and your role as a parent is to curb it, and this is one of the means that God has given you for it—to drive the foolishness that is instinctive in his heart, to drive it away from him. The bottom line is that there’s a natural depravity in every one of us, and it must be curbed, and God has said the right use of the rod is effective in doing that.

Number four: Contemporary secular psychologists tell us that spanking is psychologically harmful to the child and teaches violence. What does God say? If Johnny hits Susie and you spank him for it, what have you just taught Johnny? And the answer you’re supposed to give is, “Oh, it just teaches him violence.” That’s just… that’s wrong. What does God say? If Johnny hits Susie and you spank him for it, you’ve taught him not to hit Susie. That’s what you’ve taught him. Spanking works. God says the opposite of what we’re told today by the experts. And from my thinking, God knows a whole lot better. The rod is useful and it’s effective in driving away evil.

Number five: What does God say are the results of neglecting the rod? Let me read a couple of the verses for you. Chapter 13, verse 24: “He who spares the rod hates his son.” Chapter 19, verse 18: “Discipline your son for in that there is hope, but do not be a willing party to his death.” Chapter 23, verses 13 and 14: “Don’t withhold discipline from a child. If you punish him with a rod, he will not die. Punish him with a rod and save his soul from death.” And chapter 29, verse 15: “The rod of correction imparts wisdom. A child left to himself disgraces his mother.” So again, the question: what does God say are the results of neglecting the rod? Continued foolishness, continued sin, eventual death, disgrace to parents—there’s nothing good that comes from it.

Number six: What does God say of the parent who neglects the use of the rod? Chapter 13, verse 24: “He who spares the rod hates his son.” Don’t say, “I could never spank him; I love him too much.” If you have his best interest in mind, you will follow God’s counsel and apply it well for his good. If you love him, God says you will spank him when it is needed. So, God says if you spare the rod, you hate the child. The parent is not acting in the best interest of the child by withholding punishment. In fact, God says you’re becoming a party to his death. You’re becoming a party to his sin. You’re promoting it. So the implication, then, is that a parent who spares the rod actually loves himself more than he loves the child.

Number seven: What reassurance does God give the weak-hearted parent in Proverbs 23:13–14? “Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with a rod, you’ll save his soul from Sheol.” You strike him with a rod, he won’t die. We need that sometime, don’t we? It will hurt—it’s intended to hurt—but it won’t harm them. We need that reassurance, and that’s simply what that proverb is designed to teach us. He won’t die; you’ll save his soul from death. The point is that the pain that’s inflicted and the punishment will help, and it will hurt, but it won’t do any harm. So the purpose of the verse is to prevent parents from a misguided kind of sympathy with the child and neglect the child’s higher good.

Another question: Hebrews chapter 12, verses 1 through 11. The inspired writer cites Proverbs 3, verses 11 and 12. This is the passage I just referred to about training children and God doing the same with His. So Hebrews 12 cites Proverbs 3 and gives various applications. What does this suggest regarding the New Testament perspective on corporal punishment? I mention that simply to give you the obvious answer, and that is that there are some who have said that, well, that’s in the Old Testament, but in the New Testament, you don’t find that. That’s an “Old Testament thing”—some misguided kind of thinking. That’s not at all how the writer of the Hebrews took it. The perspective remains unchanged. This is not something that can be relegated to a bygone age.

Practical Suggestions Regarding The Rod

All right, some practical suggestions regarding the rod.

Number one: begin immediately. Begin immediately. That is, as soon as your children can rebel, they can learn that they shouldn’t. They stiffen up, they throw a temper tantrum. My philosophy was: if my kids throw a temper tantrum, I’m gonna throw a bigger one. In my memory at least, only one time did we have that challenged in our home. My daughter threw a temper tantrum. She was very young. I threw a bigger one. I was the last one. They can learn that they shouldn’t. I didn’t harm her. She might have thought I was going to. Begin immediately when they’re young.

Number two: keep it in perspective. And that means, keep in mind: this is a means of grace. This is what God has ordered for the good of the children. Now, do we take God at His word in this or not? Keep it in perspective. This is for their good. No, I don’t spank simply because I’m angry. I spank because this is for their good. I believe that. And because I believe that, I will apply the rod faithfully.

Number three: don’t abuse it. Don’t abuse it. Punishment should be commensurate with the crime. An honest accident is not rebellion. Don’t abuse it. Don’t exasperate your children. Don’t provoke them to anger. Don’t confuse them by abusing your authority. Don’t overdo it. Don’t abuse the use of the rod. Be careful with it.

Number four: the other side of the coin, don’t neglect it. Don’t neglect it. You don’t have your children’s best interest in mind if you neglect it.

Number five: when it is administered, do it well enough to accomplish the purpose. When it is administered, do it well enough to accomplish the purpose. Now let me read a couple of Proverbs in this regard. Chapter 23, verse 13 again: “Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you strike him with the rod, he will not die.” And chapter 20, verse 30: “Blows that wound cleanse away evil. Strokes make clean the innermost parts.” So the point here is when it’s administered, do it well enough to accomplish the purpose.

Number six: be consistent. Be consistent. And by that, I do not mean that every infraction necessarily has to have a spanking associated with it. But what I’m saying is that you should be overall consistent in the application of it. It shouldn’t be that out of nowhere, a spanking comes for something that’s allowed all the time. You’ve got to be consistent in your discipline. Make sure they know what the boundaries are. I would argue it forever: a disciplined child is a happy child. A disciplined child is a happy child. They know what the boundaries are. They know how to cope within that and they’re comfortable and they’re safe and it’s good for them.

Number seven: this is very important—don’t use the Bible as a club. Don’t use the Bible as a club. Now here, I’m going against—and I’ll just admit it up front—I’m going against a lot of what’s out there in the literature about Christian parenting. And the way you’re advised in a lot of the literature out there, and otherwise good literature, the way you’re advised is something like this: when it comes time—let’s say the child has disobeyed and he’s going to get a spanking—and so what you do is you sit down with him, and you open your Bible, and you show them what God requires of them, and you give them the gospel, and you tell them they’re sinners and they need to be saved, and you work through the whole thing with them, and after it’s all over, then you give them their spanking. I think that’s a terrible mistake. I don’t want to use the Bible as a club with my kids. I don’t want them thinking that when I bring the Bible out, it’s spanking time. They know what the issue is, and at the time of spanking, spank, and I leave the discussions for later. I’m really serious about that. I don’t think this is the time to be using the Bible as the club. They know what their offense was. All they need to know now is that it has brought consequences that were not in their best interest.

Now, my own practice: what I would do is I would spank. When I’d spank my children, they’d go off to their bedroom, finish crying until they would finally come out and they’d come to Daddy: “I’m sorry, Daddy.” The hugs and the loves and the affection. And at that point, maybe—maybe—it’s time to talk a little bit. But even then, I’m not going to throw God at them. I want them to know… it might be that I have to explain, make sure they know what the offense was. More than likely, they’re gonna know it, so it’s rarely happened, but it might be at that occasion we have to talk a little bit, but get through it. Don’t use the Bible as a club. I think that’s a mistake. Teach your children—you heard me last night about using your Bible, using your Bible, using your Bible. This is not the time. Be careful with that.

A Final Note

All right, now a final note on all of this. Chapter 22 and verse 15 again: “Folly is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” I want you to see the last half of that verse: the rod of discipline drives the foolishness far from him. This is God’s counsel on the matter. This is a very happy prospect. This is a difficult subject, I know. The last thing we want to do is spank our children. But what God says is: in the end, it will help to drive out the evil. That is a great prospect. It is offered here as a means of encouragement and hope. And so we must see that all of this is for the child’s good.

Keep in mind also, especially those of you who were not here last night, keep in mind also that this discipline is inside a bigger picture. Remember: prevailing atmosphere of love and fun and religion and all of that. It’s just part of the picture here that we’re dealing with this morning. But we must see that this is for the child’s good. So you think in terms of the child’s development. You think in terms of where he needs to be. As I said last evening, picture him at age 18 or age 22 when he’s off on his own. And you say, “Where should he be? And how is that looking now? What needs to be corrected for that to be a pretty picture?” And deal with it.

A disciplined child is a happy child, a much more contented child. I remember when Jimmy was—our son was three and a half years old, a little bit early for a tonsillectomy. They don’t usually do that until they’re at least age four. But his problem was really severe, so he went to the hospital and had surgery, his tonsils and adenoids removed. Afterwards, Kim and I are waiting in the waiting room, of course, and afterwards they came out and told us everything went well. “How’s he doing?” “Well, he’s crying.” And I said to the nurse, I said, “I can help him.” “Well, we don’t allow parents back in the recovery room.” I said, “I can help him.” “OK,” she says, “come on back.”

So I go back in there. He’s lying in his crib on his back. And the poor kid is just wailing. Just wailing. And you know how it gets when they’re crying and upset about something. It gets worked to a point where they don’t even know all that’s wrong. It’s out of control. That’s where he was. Just out of control, wailing and wailing. I’d go in there and rub his tummy and, “Hey Jimmy, Daddy’s here now, it’ll be okay.” And you try to encourage him. And he’s just wailing and wailing. And what I was doing wasn’t helping. And so I said, “All right, Jimmy, now calm down.” And he cries and he’s doing some more, and I’m giving him time, and I’m working at it, and loving him and petting him there in the stomach and all of that. “Come on, Jimmy, it’s okay.” Finally, after enough encouragement, I said, “All right, Jimmy, now that’s enough, stop it.” I didn’t holler, but I said it very firmly: “Stop it.”

Everybody in the recovery room turned and looked at me like I was the devil, not even in disguise. Jimmy is lying there in the crib and he goes [gasps], sucking it in, you know? And within, I don’t know, 30 seconds, whatever it was, he’s brought under control. He’s there. And suddenly I was no longer the devil. And everyone who’s in the recovery room: “We’ve never seen anything like that before.” Establish the authority of your word, and your children will be happier. They’ll be more content. A disciplined child, knowing what the boundaries are, is more able to cope. That’s what he needs to learn for life. And that’s what you’re aiming at in the home. And the use of the rod and the right exercise of your authority in a loving environment is one very effective means that we ought not to neglect.