Christian Parenting

Foolishness reigns in the natural heart. And so it is the responsibility and the goal of parenting prayerfully to teach, train, instruct, admonish, and discipline our children, and by every possible way steer them away from inbred folly. The goal is to stand between them and their own self-destruction. The goal is not merely to get them successfully to age 22 without a record with the police or history of drugs or pregnancy. The goal is to see them come by God’s grace to bow the knee to the Lord Jesus, and to rest safely in him who alone gives true and lasting joy. We understand that at the end of the day only God can do this. But precisely because he is the one who saves, we give ourselves to apply every means that he has appointed to that end, praying all the while that he would be merciful and spare our children from the folly that lies in the heart of every one us.

Last evening we began looking at our goals as parents. We saw that our children are entrusted to us from God, and it is our responsibility simply to give them back to Him. That’s our goal. Now, what we’re fighting against in that is inbred depravity, original sin, a natural bias against God, or as Proverbs puts it, foolishness—foolishness that’s bound in the heart. And we have to recognize that we’re fighting against that. And so what we want to do is throw everything at that that God has given us. We want to use every means that He has ordained to overcome that foolishness that is born in the hearts of every one of us. And so a huge part of that, then, is the right use of the Scriptures. We dealt with that last evening. Saturating our children’s minds with the gospel and the Scriptures—this is the stuff that God uses to save. And so we throw that at them as constantly and continuously as we can.

Keep it as your aim to train your children for God. And that’s something you will never regret. You will only regret a failure to do it. Determine that if your children will grow up to reject Christ—many a wise father has had a foolish son—but determine that if your child will grow up to reject Christ, it will be with you and mom standing in the way. It will not be because of you. This is our high calling as parents, our most basic responsibility to live for Christ in the home is to direct our children to live for Him.

Foolishness, at bottom, is an inward bias to evil. It is a (foolish) commitment to find pleasure apart from God. It is a stupid, self-destructive pursuit of sin and a pursuit of happiness without God. The sobering thing is that this foolishness is bound in the heart of your precious children. Theologians call it “original sin,” and you see it every day. Though you adore them, your children are likely to think that you stand between them and happiness. They are likely to think that all this religion stuff is an obstacle to freedom. They are willing even to put their relationship with you on the rocks in order to pursue what they firmly believe is better for them. They will ruin their own happiness, both temporal and eternal, because they think they know best how to find real pleasure. You know better, and you plead accordingly, until finally you realize the truth of original sin. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child.” It’s a horrible realization, but every parent has seen it, and every child has lived it.

When our children are young, I’m sure you’ve done this as parents. I did. I think every parent probably has. Your child is sleeping at night and you like to go into the bedroom and just look at him lying there sleeping. He looks so sweet and innocent. And it never occurs to us at a time like that, that in their heart is a bias that will drive them away from God and a bias that will drive them to their own self-destruction. Foolishness is bound up in their heart. And so we pray as they grow older that they will not drift morally, and they will not drift spiritually, and we forget that the drive to do so is already bound up in their hearts. That’s where they’re heading. All that is needed is an opportunity, release from the restraints that mom and dad put on them, because foolishness is bound up in the heart.

There’s no lack of evidence for what our text tells us either. It’s as plain as we can see. It’s like that famous quote from G.K. Chesterton who said that original sin is one of those doctrines for which we have empirical evidence. You see it every day and you see it in yourself and you see it in your child. No one ever had to teach you how to be selfish, self-centered, arrogant, violent, greedy. No one ever had to teach you to do that. And no parent yet has ever had to sit down with his child and say, “Now look, this is how you tell a lie. And this is how you cheat. And this is how you throw a tantrum against dad and mom when you don’t like what we do. And this is how you clobber your sibling.” We never had to teach our kids that.

That is the whole range of biblical instruction regarding faith, regarding life, responsibilities before God, what to believe, how to behave, what we should do, what we should not do, why we should do this, why we should not do that. It’s what we believe, it’s who God is, it is teaching what God has done, what our responsibilities are before Him and our obligations. It is teaching what is right, what is wrong, what is true, what is false. All of this is taken up into this terminology: the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. In short, it is God and His demands on us in terms of what we believe and how we respond and how we behave, what our goals and what our ambitions should be in life—faith and life that pleases God.

Parents, it is your responsibility. Don’t leave it to the Sunday school teachers and to the pastors. It is your responsibility to teach your children. Do it diligently and do it conscientiously. Number two, and I’ve already said this, but here again I’ll underline one word: this discipleship of your children is your primary responsibility as parents. One commentator on Deuteronomy 6 made a wonderful observation. He says, “What we teach our children is an index of what we value most.” When the burden of your instruction to your children is—pick it: your hobby, sports, amusements, career—and the burden of it is not the Scriptures, you’re showing what you value more. It is your primary responsibility to lead them for Christ. It’s not your primary responsibility to give them the most toys. It’s not your responsibility to provide the most fun. I hope you do all of that. It is your primary responsibility to bring them up in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. And that will determine all the choices that you make. It’ll determine the activities that you allow. It’ll determine what schools you let them attend. It’ll determine what church you go to, what you watch on the television. It’ll determine the conversations that you have.

Now you remember in Proverbs 22:6, the command is, or the proverb is, “Train up a child in the way that he should go.” And I made the point—Ryle makes this point in his little booklet, The Duties of Parents —train up a child in the way that he should go, not in the way that he would go. Now you’re going to hear it from the experts in society today, psychologists and whatnot: what you need to do is be careful not to hinder your children’s self-expression; let them find their own way; that’s your job. It’s exactly not your job. Your job is to train them in the way that they should go. And so you bring them up in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.

So, children obey your parents. That means do what you’re told, as you’re told to do it, when you’re told to do it. Children, obey your parents. It does not mean children obey your parents when they feel like it. It doesn’t mean children obey their parents so long as they’re feeling good. It doesn’t mean children obey your parents when it’s convenient or when you’re in agreement. It means children, obey your parents. It’s really very straightforward and very simple. There’s not much room for anything else in that word, obey. Obey your parents in the Lord. So Paul is addressing the children as believers. And he’s saying, “This is your responsibility before God. Do this as unto the Lord, your religious duty. Do it out of conviction that this is your obligation before God; this is God’s will for you. Obey your parents. Obey your parents, your father and mother in the Lord.” And then he adds, “for this is right.” Obey dad and mom, why? Not just to avoid a spanking—that might be sufficient motivation—but obey dad and mom because this is right. And this then, parents, is what we are obliged to teach our children, particularly when they’re young. This is what God requires. This is the right thing to do.

So the fifth commandment of the Ten Commandments is not “children obey your parents.” The fifth commandment is “honor your father and mother.” Now for children still at home in the nuclear family, that entails obedience. And so Paul mentions that first here in verse one. And Paul then is applying it then to this broader command to honor your parents, which is the responsibility of all of us throughout life, but he’s applying it to children still at home. Children, obey your parents. And then he attaches that command to a promise, to give kind of incentive to it, “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

And it’s also implicit here, it’s the parent’s responsibility to teach the children what it is to honor their parents. You are failing your children if you allow them to honor you and respect you and show respect and give obedience only when they feel good. It troubles me when I see even Christian parents allowing exceptions. The child, he doesn’t feel good, and so somehow that gives license for backtalking or disobedience or whatever. You’re failing your children if you allow them to have an attitude against you, allow them to grumble and complain when you’ve given them something to do. When you speak, parents, the children listen. And if when you give a command to your child—I’ve seen this many times even with children of Christian parents—if you can give a command to your child and he continues as though he never heard it, you see it more and more all the time, you’re failing your children.

Proverbs 13:24: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Boy, if there is anything that’s out of step with our culture, it’s that one. Whoever spares the rod hates his son. You ever hear, “Oh, I love him too much, I couldn’t spank him”? And it’s exactly the opposite from what God says. The child’s inclination will be to lead himself to ruin, and a loving parent and a wise parent refuses to allow that child to send himself to ruin. And it’s the unloving parent who turns his back and allows the kid to follow his own heart and walk off into foolishness and ruin himself forever. And so the loving parent and the wise parent, the one who loves his child, will apply the rod as necessary to enforce the walk in wisdom.

Number one, God intends spanking to be part of the normal course of child training. This, of course, is because foolishness is bound in the heart of the child. But God intends spanking to be part—not all, part—of the normal course of child training. Proverbs is, as you know, inspired wisdom, guidance for life. These in particular are wisdom for parents and how to guide their children and how to train them correctly. And spanking is not only part of the normal course, it’s not only expected, but the neglect of it is forbidden. And our minds need to be shaped accordingly.

You’re being told today out there that spanking doesn’t work. You’re being told that it’s harmful. But all the evidence is against that, and more to the point, God affirms over and over and over again its value and its efficacy. And you need to shape your minds according to what God has said with confidence that the creator of the home knows best how to direct your home. The Proverbs that we have read say that this kind of discipline cleanses away evil, drives away foolishness, saves his soul from death, imparts wisdom. It is effective in curbing the child’s natural waywardness. A parent has to recognize that. The rod becomes, in a sense, a means of grace and a deterrent, so that I’ll shape their lives the best I can while they’re here, so that when they leave, they’ll continue to walk in the way of wisdom. And in fact, these Proverbs emphasize several times that it’s the neglect of the rod that results in continued rebellion and foolishness, eventual death and destruction and ruin.

The point here then is: don’t exasperate your children. Maintain your control. Enforce your control, even. Rule your home. But rule your home in such a way that it evokes love and respect. You’re not looking for your children’s approval in your decisions. Don’t do that. But neither do you want to establish yourself as a tyrant in the home. Don’t treat them in a way that is either physically or psychologically harmful. Protect them from abuse of all kinds. Lead them in the way of wisdom, establish the rule, enforce the rule, but protect your child. In other words, love your children. See to it that they feel that they’re loved, they feel that they’re accepted and protected in every way. Maintain your parental authority, maintain proper discipline, but always in such a way that they’re drawn to love you and respect you for it.

Now clearly, what he does not mean—and we know this because of verses one through three that have just exhorted us—he is not saying here, “Fathers, don’t ever make a requirement of your children that they don’t like.” That’ll make them mad. That’s clearly not what he is saying here. Children are to obey and honor their parents. And in fact, in the last part of verse four, he gives the parents instruction in terms of bringing up the children in the nurture and discipline and instruction of the Lord. And as we’ll see, that entails even rebuke and correction and so on. So he is not saying here, “Don’t tell them to do something they don’t want to do.” That’ll make them mad. That’s not what he’s after. Clearly, what he’s after is that kind of behavior on the part of parents that would unjustifiably anger, frustrate, or confuse the child.

Clearly, I think it also prohibits any kind of punishment that is out of proportion to the offense—excessive punishment. I think even inconsistency in discipline is prohibited here as well. Favoritism in discipline, the kind of approach to discipline in the home that is frustrating to the child because it’s excessive, because it’s inconsistent, they’re not clear what the demands are, what the requirements are, they’re not sure how dad will respond in this or that situation—he’s unpredictable, he seems arbitrary—all of that Paul’s ruling out here; that can provoke children to anger. Another way that I think that we could provoke children to wrath that we need to be reminded of is that of unreasonable demands in the home. Legalism, we call it sometime. Over-restrictive. Not allowing the child to be a child. That’s a fine line sometime, and it seems to be a problem more on the other side, that parents don’t expect their children to act their age. But there are those times when parents seem to expect their children to act more than their age. And Paul is ruling that out. Don’t be unreasonable in your demands.

Another thing that would provoke children to anger would be just the general unpleasant atmosphere that some parents seem to maintain in the home where mom or dad is moody or easily set off, short fuse, and you don’t know how careful you have to be or mom or dad is going to fly off at the handle and be screaming at you. All of that, Paul is ruling out here. Don’t provoke your children to anger. Don’t be quickly hollering at them. Don’t make the atmosphere in the home such that they have to feel that they walk on eggshells around you because you’re unpredictable. Another thing that provokes children to wrath is an unwillingness to admit wrong. That’s a tough one for parents. But face it, we make mistakes and we have to be able to admit it.

So in other words, in all of your leadership in the home, see to it not only that your children are loved, see to it that they feel that they are loved, feel that they are accepted, and they feel that they are protected. I’d like to take an aside here, and I think I’ll have to reserve it for another time, but I’ll just mention it in passing that permissiveness in the home is really another form of child abuse. The child has no boundaries and he has no restrictions. It frustrates the child, and you’ll see an undisciplined child is one who doesn’t know those restrictions, and so when something unpleasant happens, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He can’t handle it and he flies off the charts in his response. He hasn’t learned self-discipline from the parents. Permissiveness becomes another kind of child abuse, and you need to recognize that.

They were not child idolaters. They didn’t buy into all the foolishness that you’re hearing today: if your child wants it, you should give it to him; don’t ever say no, that would warp his self-esteem; and don’t ever say that’s bad, and don’t ever say that’s wrong. All the foolishness that you’re being fed today, they didn’t buy into any of that. They saw it as their responsibility before God to identify the foolishness in my heart and in my life, and to steer me away from it.

There must also be love. You’ll accomplish very little if your children do not feel—not just be told, but feel—loved. There must be religion, love, and discipline. And apart from the instruction of the Lord and the love, your discipline is going to be very limited in its effects. And without the love, your discipline can go overboard. So there must be religion, love, discipline, and for the last category, fun.

The psychologist will warn you that spanking will crush your children, and you don’t want to crush your children; you don’t want to break their spirit. Sometimes they will say you don’t want to break their will. And the distinction I made years ago was this—and we can quibble about the terminology, I’m not really concerned about that—the distinction I made was this: I do want to break their will. That’s exactly what I want to do. It’s exactly what I’m after. But I don’t want to break their spirit. You understand the difference I’m making? If you can come up with better terminology, that’s fine with me. But you understand the distinction I’m making. I don’t want to crush them. I want them to be their own person. But I’m determined to break their will. I’m determined to do that. They have to realize that dad’s will is supreme, not theirs. It’s very important for them.

Shape them while they are young, while they’re still moldable. Take them while they’re young and teach them to obey and to honor. And this means partly that you don’t wait too long to begin discipline. And we’ll talk more about that next time. But don’t say, “Well, he’s too young.” If—I’ve often put it this way—as soon as the child can recognize that he or she can show defiance, he’s old enough to recognize that it produced an unpleasant result. If they can understand that this action produces this unpleasantness, they learn that “we won’t do that anymore.” Our daughter threw a tantrum one time. She was young; she was still in a high chair. And dad had a rule already in place: “Kids throw a tantrum, I throw a bigger one.” And she thought it was the end of the world. It wasn’t. It was not a big deal. But she thought it was the end of the world. That was the last tantrum we ever saw.

Certain offenses are just absolutely capital offenses. You will not sass your mother. You will not show disrespect. You will not disobey. Does that necessarily mean that on every given instance of it, there must be a spanking? Probably not. But they’ve got to know that that offense is going to get a spanking. Now, if I relent on one of them because I’m merciful, well, I can get by with that occasionally. But they’ve got to know that certain offenses are capital offenses. That’s just it. You’re going to get a spanking for that. They’ve got to know the boundaries, and that’s only fair to them. They’ve got to know the boundaries.

Number one, if you look back and feel guilt over what you might have done better, first of all, join the club. There’s not a conscientious parent anywhere who’s done it all right all the time. And there’s not a one of us who doesn’t look back and say, “I should have done this better. I should have done that better. I could have been more faithful in this regard.” There’s not a one of us who can’t say that. I don’t know what relief that gives you, but you’re not unique in that. And the next thing I want to say with regard to that is what you ought to do when you feel that is to renew your trust in God’s providence. God orders our steps all through life. And it is, as I’ve often said, really a good thing that God can work with sin and failures to accomplish his purpose in the world, because that’s all he’s got to work with: sinners and failures.

And if your child has grown up and is not following the Lord, it’s his or her fault, not yours. The Bible squarely lays the blame for unbelief on the unbeliever. You shouldn’t hold an undue amount of guilt for that reason. And the third thing I want to say with regard to that in particular is, if you have someone who has grown and is not following the Lord, don’t give up. God can still save. It wasn’t that many years ago here, we had one of the older couples in the church who had a son who grew up in the church and didn’t follow the Lord; he came to Christ and is serving the Lord today. God can still save. Don’t give up. Continue to pray and continue to exert whatever influence you can have.